The Coolest President of All Time (Part 1)
Forget politics. Let’s talk love – and try not to laugh.
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Warning! This post contains:
brief presidential nudity in a Derby hat (1903)
aggressive napping, and
one (1) hippopotamus.
Reader discretion is advised. So is a Derby hat.
“Any man who does not like dogs and want them about does not deserve to be in the White House.” ~President Calvin Coolidge
I could rest my case there, but we’ll keep going for all the crazy cat ladies.
Coolidge was the coolest. Forget politics. Let’s talk love.
For starters, the man attracted his complete opposite. Grace Anna Goodhue was the life of the party and maybe a bit of a peeping Tom. His soon-to-be wife was watering flowers at a school for the deaf when she spied him through a nearby window, shaving in front of a full-length mirror in nothing but tighty-whities and a Derby hat.
The big goofball heard Gracy cackling outside, and it was love at first laugh. Silent Cal didn’t have to speak. He could make girls giggle with a wink. Many years later, the 30th president took his deadpan vaudeville act to the White House.
The boy who became president
One of his favorite pranks as Commander in Chief was smashing every alarm button on his desk at once – then disappearing. Secretaries, Secret Service, and half the Cabinet would tear through the White House searching for him, while he hid behind the drapes, quietly laughing – trolling politics before it was a thing.
Clearly, Calvin had the heart of a young boy – specifically, one who thought the White House needed a giant mechanical horse in the dressing room. After Harding passed, one of President Coolidge’s first tasks was getting his robotic steed installed. He’d ride it often, sometimes in cowboy hats, other times in a full Native American headdress. In other words, he played Cowboys and Indians … with himself.
Then the boy president’s imagination became policy. Costume became character.
Indigenous people could only become citizens by serving in the military or by renouncing tribal membership. Cal thought that was wrong, so he signed their birthright into law, becoming the first sitting president to make an official visit to a tribal reservation.¹
It was then that Sioux leaders Chauncey Yellow Robe and Henry Standing Bear adopted him as one of their own, giving him a full-feathered headdress and the name Wanbli Tokahe — Leading Eagle.
His incredible work ethic was first recognized as vice president. Most veeps before him lived in relative obscurity, but Cal was the first in history to actually attend Cabinet meetings. Not some. Not most. All 100. So when Harding died, he knew exactly what to do on day one.
Despite being quiet, Silent Cal held more press conferences than any of his predecessors — about 96 per year. No president averaged more than 40 until Truman. Modern stats are embarrassing by comparison.
Average press conferences per year:
Reagan: 6
H. Bush: 7
Clinton: 11
Biden: 11
Obama/Trump: 20
Coolidge: 96
Transparency was important – almost as important as answering “No!” to all the stupid questions. It was his favorite word and a novel response in a town full of yes-men who’d say anything for cheap votes.
People exhausted him, but the page was where Silent Cal truly “spoke.” He wrote all his speeches and was known for being an excellent orator.
“A sound and wise statesmanship which recognizes and attempts to abide by its limitations will undoubtedly find itself displaced by that type of public official who promises much, talks much, legislates much, expends much, but accomplishes little. The deliberate, sound judgement of the country is likely to find it has been superseded by a popular whim.” ~”Silent” Cal
My favorite Tom was more succinct.
“When the people want the impossible, only liars can satisfy.” ~“Silent” Sowell
Back to Cool Cal.
“I think the American people want a solemn ass as a President… and I think I’ll go along with them.” ~President Solemn Ass
My guy! … didn’t mind being the butt of the joke. And he was right. Most politicians need to shut the fuck up.
Other notable Coolidges
“Men do not make laws. They do but discover them.”
“Four-fifths of all our troubles would disappear if we would only sit down and keep still.”
“Perhaps one of the most important accomplishments of my administration has been minding my own business.”
“I favor the policy of economy, not because I wish to save money, but because I wish to save people.”
“Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized larceny.”
Alliteration like that deserves respect. He’s speaking our language, Substack.
So raise your glasses. Here’s to the one and only president…
born on the Fourth of fucking July!
Seriously, the dude was red, white, and Pabst Blue Ribbon – the official beverage of bottle rockets and missing eyebrows, best served with minimal federal interference.
He hated government oversight so much that his definition of limited government involved several uninterrupted REM cycles.
His Coolness would often defend his nap schedule, telling staff members that when you’re asleep, you can’t fuck anything up. I’m paraphrasing a bit, but this next one’s verbatim. Cool Cal was known for waking up out of deep slumber and eagerly asking his aide:
“Is the country still here?”
“Yep.”
“Whew!”
Dude was a natural – hilarious without even trying. Once, Groucho Marx yelled out from the stage, “Isn’t it past your bedtime, Calvin?” He didn’t answer. Everyone laughed their asses off. His solemn-ass was second to none.
Sure, Silent Cal was a man of few words, but that means he treated words as if they were a precious resource. Sound familiar, Substack? Don’t answer that. Cal would tell you it’s rhetoriCAL.
Grace loved telling the story of a beautiful young socialite who sat beside her husband at a party and announced to the table that she’d bet her friends she could get more than two words out of the president.
Silent Cal looked at her, cool and calm.
“You lose.”
President Coolidge said more to his Raccoon than he did to most senators. He’d walk Rebecca around the White House on a leash and hold what witnesses described as the most animated conversations of his career. Historians have no record of what was discussed, but Rebecca the Raccoon, to her credit, never leaked anything to the press.
The president LOVED his animals – enough to fill the White House with them and eventually donate a black bear, lion cubs, a hippopotamus, a wallaby, wombat, and deer to the national zoo.
Then history stopped being funny, because people had to go and pin the Great Depression on him. It’s totally bonkers, but that’s part 2, so marinate on this finale while I figure out how to unfuck the fairy tale politicians love to spin.
Part one finale + Part two teaser
When Harding and Cal took office in 1921, the country was already in a full-blown depression, with unemployment at 12 percent. GDP cratered. It was a royal mess. So what did they do? They pulled a George Costanza and did “The Opposite” of what modern politicians instinctively do. They cut spending in half, slashed taxes, paid down the debt, and got the hell out of the way.
The depression was over in 18 months.
Content advisory
Part 2 contains the Federal Reserve.
The G.O.A.T. Didn't Start the Great Depression (Part 2)
He was just the scapegoat who got blamed.
Come for Calvin and Hobbes.
Stay for the absurd trivia!
Reference
1. “I Thought I Could Swing It”: The Strange Life and Presidency of Silent Cal
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Aw! I think I have a crush on a dead American. That's not a phrase I expected to say!
Doesn't take much to Trump Trump, but this guy could dance circles around him, even in his sleep.