All animals are equal
A true parable on power
I was performing at a birthday party. A bunch of my songwriter friends were smoking bud, having a good time, until a cop walked through the door.
The tension was so thick, you could cut it with our clenched assholes…
… until the host walked into the room with an ounce of weed protruding from his front shirt pocket.
“Hey Jim! Glad you could make it.”
“Hey Mike. I’m not staying long. It’s a bit too ... flowery.”
Our assholes unclenched. The cop was cool. Not a big fan of flowers, which is weird, but whatever. We weren’t going to jail, so fuck a bunch of flowers ... what with their thorny thorns and their ... sticky nectar.
After the show, I was driving my friends Buzz and Brandywine home, but shortly before we crossed over the Ashland City limit, we heard sirens catching up to us. We were way out in the country, just before the speed limit switched to 55 mph — clearly a speed trap.
Of course, this cop was the opposite of cool. Didn’t believe a word we said. Tried to trip us up on our story, catch us in a “lie.” It didn’t help that I left my wallet at home, and Brandywine, the car owner, left her purse at the party. Total fuck-ups. ID-less, driving 25 mph over the limit, reeking of ... flowers.
Then his walkie-talkie went off.
“Unit 367”
“Go ahead.”
“367 we’ve got the Sheriff ...”
The dispatch trailed off as Officer Fuck Face walked away. We were screwed. We could faintly hear muffled voices requesting backup, calling in the drug-sniffing dogs. The Sheriff was involved, so we were all catastrophizing.
“God … bless America!”
Then the cop came back just as quick as he left and said, “I’m going to give you a warning. Y’all be safe. Goodnight!” and was gone.
“What the fuck?” We all jinxed each other. Who knows what it was, but we skedaddled, lest our luck run out.
The next day, my friend Cass called and said that she drove by us on her way home from the party. So she called Mike. Mike called the Sheriff. The Sheriff called our cop off, and just like that, it never happened.
What flowers? I don’t smell any flowers. Fuck a bunch of flowers.
Turns out, Mike was a Master Mason.
Governor calls him Gov ... kinda thing.
This was the precise moment I realized …
that justice was a sham,
that the entire world works this way,
that some animals are more equal than others.
I’M PUBLISHED!
Took 20 years, but MY BOOK IS LIVE and ready for laughs!
Fraternal Youth is an experimental memoir with QR-linked videos to cultural artifacts such as:
our dog fetching beer from the fridge (my COVID project)
gladiator funboard challenges
pop culture video references
pranks, gags, adventure!
Fraternal Youth Cocktail:
5 parts fatherhood fails + the absurdity of life
4 parts goofy boy-girl twins + their crazy pets
3 parts adventure (Bonnaroo, Greece, hitchhiking)
2 parts peaceful parenting + simple discipline systems
1 part hope: a five-year hunt for all the tech, medical and energy breakthroughs that will save us + my comical spin
Fraternal Youth Praise
⭐ “Mix Jim Gaffigan, Erma Bombeck and Pee Wee Herman into a Darby Smoothie. Add a dash of nonsense that makes perfect sense and you’ve got a compilation that spans from raising kids to raising hell. I’m an avid fan.”
Wendy Parker, satirist for Overdrive Magazine
⭐ “Darby stunned me with this book. It’s happy, funny, sad and weird - all the things that make up a life well lived, and he tells it with such beauty and momentum. So many chapters swept me away.”
Ginger Cook (GC), Substack humorist
Fraternal Youth Early Excerpts
I changed my first diaper on August 27, 2007. It smelled like fermented mothballs with a touch of failed dreams. I don’t know where those subtle notes came from, but they were good reminders to use birth control.
2 years, 8 months old
Kids got in trouble at the store. Finn dropped a can of tinned pork on Melina’s middle toe. The SPAM survived, but Momma no longer has a piggy that eats roast beef. The toe’s still there, but it’s a scarred vegetarian now.
3 years, 8 months
Me: “Finn, didn’t you say you’d drink your juice after dinner?”
Finn: “I didn’t hear me say that.”
4 years, 10 months
“Shhhh! I heard a sound make a noise.” ~ Fiona
5 years, 11 months
“Every time you go into war, you should go potty first.” ~ Finn
… and buy it one day when you have 20 bucks. Thanks a million!
Amazon’s a bitch in many countries, so check Ingram’s worldwide list of resellers. Some retailers are MUCH faster and more affordable.
America loves its speed traps, since the dawn of Route 66. That's 100 years old now isn't it? Small town cops they ain't no busy enough.
Yes. Glad you had that terrible fact wrapped up in a funny tale because it is so true and these days I just have to breathe through it and try to remember when I didn't know that!